tangled web.

My emotions are a roller coaster this week. From ups and highs straight down to the lows in merely minutes. My brain is either misinterrupting everything or people really don't care anymore. I'm pretty sure it's the former, but I'm tired of the heavy lonely feeling I have all the time.

An artist with words.

Ok so I don't write. I never have been able to keep a journal, and the idea of a regular blog (every single day, that is) is a feat I can't handle.

Art is my thing. Drawing, painting, photography, creating. THAT'S where it's at for me.


However.

Due to the fact that my life has decided to become a bramble of crap (through no fault of anyone) as of late, It has made my bipolar and my father's bipolar run rampant. The anti-anxiety medication isn't controling it like it usually does when I'm lessed stressed and the Lexipro backup I have gives me kidney infections.

Where does this leave me?

I bought a freaking journal.

That's right. I, Joanna Kathleen Biggers Buttersworth (little inside joke there with Jeremy. Bex will get it) Hanson is going to keep a damned journal.

I'm going to use it too, seeing how I picked out the one that actually SPOKE to me (weird, huh?) and it cost 12 freaking bucks.

If anything Ill fill it with the words "I don't know what to write" over and over again, for 12 bucks.

And some change. 32 cents I believe.

And it's beautiful. And for me only. I've already filled three pages. Some lines don't make sense, or wouldn't to anyone but me. Some i wrote and went "Why did i write that? thats stupid." A few were painful, but helped.

This way when I'm angry, or feeling unloved, or unappreciated, instead of screaming at the wrong person, I can scream in the journal. Better way to control my emotions. Noone can read it, and I can't regret it later :)

...

Thanks Joel and Bethany for your comments to my previous post :) .

It's such a silly thing when compared to cancer or losing a limb, but its so overwhelming to me right now I'm having trouble dealing with processing it in my mind completely. I don't want people to try to help me or alleviate the rock sitting on my head, I just want a little compassion.

Jeremy has known for a year he isn't in the epitome of health but because of legal fighting for Alex and for our share and trying to decide what to do with building the house and paying off all of our debts, You tend to eat the easier route of frozen pizza's and burger king. I do the same thing. I, however, do not have a parent that has had several heart issues and bad health since she was in her twenties.

For the last 10 years I have dealt with Manic/depressive disorder. I have never had it to the Extremes of my father, who would have blowout bipolar to where he wouldn't sleep for weeks while manic and then would sit and stare at a wall for a month while depressed and wouldn't eat. I have taken my share of Anti-depressents and anti-anxiety drugs and for the most part I control it pretty well on my own now, drug free. But seeing that my largest fear in the world is that I will lose Jeremy prematurely, partly because of how Jeremy and I started (another post another time) and that I feel like we wasted the first few years we knew each other .That was the reasoning behind getting the life insurance to begin with.

Not to say "Hey, you wanna whack your husband!". No. I'm saying "Hey, im going to become a vegetable when I lose my husband, so i hope there is some money to feed me while i lay in bed and to bury him and take care of his debts".

And I trust my insurance company. They have always called for the other policies that I and my parents have to let us know when the option is open to lower them. Whether it be car, house, or different types of life insurance on me (my dad has switched several times). If there is a mistake here, it's with the lab. But yes, I get defensive over my insurance people. It's the one place i deal with in my life I know I can actually trust. God knows when the bank or lender service i deal with for my car payment will screw me over royally. Not to mention student loan lender (If there were a main devil among lenders, may Kentucky Higher Education take the crown).

I'm sure we can get it under control, It's just me dealing with it while its going on. I get very agoraphobic when dealing with situations like this and all I want to do is hide under a pillow. I can't take criticism or even moderate humor without wanting to cry. I really am better than I was years ago, but it's still hard. We're young and this is just a sign we're not so young even when we're young.

Scared and confused.

So after initiating a life insurance policy on my husband, he did the required phyiscal and we haven't heard anything in months. I go to pick up the policy to find that the yearly premium is now double what I was originally quoted.

Why?

Apparently the short version is the physical didn't turn out well. I have paid this years premium at the lower rate and will not be forced to make an additional payment until I allow a doctor of my choosing to reevaluate my husband. If the final decision is better than originally, they will lower the yearly rate. (I started out at around 180 and now its double that.)

It's not the money. It's the overwhelming fear that I'm dealing with. My husband is 25 and I was basically told I better hold on to this higher rate policy due to the fact that they feel his blood work was so questionable for his age.

Heart disease and cholesterol run in his family and obviously have hit him early.

No comments of "cracked out adjusters" or anything is necessary. I completely trust my insurance agent. We have used Frank Dean State farm for YEARS and they have always went out of their way to call and help us make financial choices that most places wouldn't inform you about. The only slip up this time and what took so long was the lab, who is the only authorized person to tell me or my husband the results failed to do so. We haven't heard anything about a policy rise.

So next week we go back tot he doctor, WITHOUT health insurance, and let him get prodded and retested. Since the original test he has been working out more and drinking more water and they said due to the fact he was walking the morning before the test that could have effected the liver results.

Needless to say I have, all day, went from anger, to grief, to fear, and then numbness. This time the diet will stick, because He's terrified of what lies ahead of him in the coming years. I know Jeremy. I know he'll do the right thing this time and start working out and dieting.

Just once tho, I'd like an entire month to go by scare-free.

Filters, cameras, christmas, OHMY!

The extreme interest I have had as of late in the field of Camera accessories is slightly scary.

I made the mistake of going "Hey, as long as my paypal account has money in it, ill use THAT to buy camera accessories for myself and bex!"

I have currently purchased the following:
•a 52mm uv filter for Bex's macro lens, retailing at 12$, I got for 2bucks and some change, thanks to ebay.

•a set of three filters (1x,2x, and 4x magnification), also in the 52mm size for Bex and myself to share. Retail upwards of 30 bucks, I got on ebay, case and all, 5 bucks.

•I am currently bidding on a set of three filters, also 52mm (i promise, i have more than one lens, i just love my little one best. You tend to love the ones that cost the most) that include a UV (this time for mine), a polarizer, and something called a mount that I haven't quite figured out yet. But its 99cents, SO WHY NOT :)

Look at me, bidding on things I don't even know what they do. Point being, yes, I'm getting a very good deal. HOWEVER, I could see this rolling out of control any time now.

I plan on getting Rebecca an external flash of her dreams for Christmas and hope she'll return the favor by getting me an extra backup battery *hinthint* :)

To Bethany! *raises glass*

Ok, the main reason I started this blog back up, besides random rambleings (i've never had a HUGE urge for rambleings, That has always been bex's thing. My thing is I express emotion through my art.) but I also was inspired by the way Bethany Actually details her everyday doings :) I love the photography taken during projects, and whatnot.

So to bethany actually, I SALUTE YE! :) If you can do it, so can I. *messes with her remote*



*remote gives her cold shoulder*

Well, im going to TRY, anyway :)

Easter......meh.

Why Eggs? Why a rabbit that is ZOMGHUGGGGE??!?!?!?

Why does everyone have to eat out that day, forcing me into my house to eat standard fridge food?

Silly families and their buffets.