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Thanks Joel and Bethany for your comments to my previous post :) .

It's such a silly thing when compared to cancer or losing a limb, but its so overwhelming to me right now I'm having trouble dealing with processing it in my mind completely. I don't want people to try to help me or alleviate the rock sitting on my head, I just want a little compassion.

Jeremy has known for a year he isn't in the epitome of health but because of legal fighting for Alex and for our share and trying to decide what to do with building the house and paying off all of our debts, You tend to eat the easier route of frozen pizza's and burger king. I do the same thing. I, however, do not have a parent that has had several heart issues and bad health since she was in her twenties.

For the last 10 years I have dealt with Manic/depressive disorder. I have never had it to the Extremes of my father, who would have blowout bipolar to where he wouldn't sleep for weeks while manic and then would sit and stare at a wall for a month while depressed and wouldn't eat. I have taken my share of Anti-depressents and anti-anxiety drugs and for the most part I control it pretty well on my own now, drug free. But seeing that my largest fear in the world is that I will lose Jeremy prematurely, partly because of how Jeremy and I started (another post another time) and that I feel like we wasted the first few years we knew each other .That was the reasoning behind getting the life insurance to begin with.

Not to say "Hey, you wanna whack your husband!". No. I'm saying "Hey, im going to become a vegetable when I lose my husband, so i hope there is some money to feed me while i lay in bed and to bury him and take care of his debts".

And I trust my insurance company. They have always called for the other policies that I and my parents have to let us know when the option is open to lower them. Whether it be car, house, or different types of life insurance on me (my dad has switched several times). If there is a mistake here, it's with the lab. But yes, I get defensive over my insurance people. It's the one place i deal with in my life I know I can actually trust. God knows when the bank or lender service i deal with for my car payment will screw me over royally. Not to mention student loan lender (If there were a main devil among lenders, may Kentucky Higher Education take the crown).

I'm sure we can get it under control, It's just me dealing with it while its going on. I get very agoraphobic when dealing with situations like this and all I want to do is hide under a pillow. I can't take criticism or even moderate humor without wanting to cry. I really am better than I was years ago, but it's still hard. We're young and this is just a sign we're not so young even when we're young.